Letter to my 27 year old self
(post originally done for the RAWBLOG on August 4th, 2010)
This year I celebrated one of those milestone birthdays. I joined the 20-20 club, Cougar University.... the Big 40! Yes I said it, and I'm not shame, nor will I go lying about my age. Never have and never will. I’ve learned that when you lie about your age you deny the wisdom and journey that goes along with that number. So I just figure all you lying ass folks out there are just acknowledging your lack of both of those. Think about that and let it marinate. LOL
Besides honey, "black don't crack" and you wouldn't know by looking at me how old I am. But the surprising gift that I received for joining this club was an overwhelming feeling about my quality of life and an intensified level of passion. Passion for life, love and creativity and a huge dose of clarity. Don't get me wrong, I've always been a creative person, but everything intensified and made me very reflective.
Part of me wished I could turn back time and take the wisdom I have now and use it to guide my younger self.
So writing a letter to my 27 year old self will allow me to put in the atmosphere. And even if it can't help me, maybe it can enlighten another 27 year old during this same time in you life. Here goes....
Helloooo Miss Thang!
You may look at this and think how this is possible or its some crazy joke by one of your friends. This is no joke baby girl, so take a moment, put your feet up on that white couch that all your friends think u were crazy as hell to buy and let these words marinate in your soul.
The next few years will be FULL of life changing events. (Don’t raise that eyebrow at me girl. Yes your boring a*s life.) None of these changes will be anywhere near as hard as your moms passing two years ago, but life changing all the same. And your approach to them ALL is CRUCIAL. So here are a few things that could enlighten u and guide you towards making the right choices.
GET AN OLDER AND ESTABLISHED FRIEND
Meet, make and keep a friend that has arrived to where u think you want to go. Sort of a life mentor. Their experiences and wisdom can give you direct insight and help you determine if that's truly the path you want to travel. If your goal changes after this experience, get an additional mentor that has journeyed down the new road. It’s a way to look at their life and see if it’s what you desire.
TRAVEL and see the WORLD!
Make that list of places you want to travel, big and small trips. And start an ING or other investment account and sock money away monthly towards your dreams. You have had that travel bug in your spirit since you were 8 years old and this is a big world we live in so start NOW. Keep opening your mind and experiencing all that life has to offer. These experiences will lead you to a greater understanding of yourself and a better quality of life. Life’s challenges may bring about greater responsibilities as time goes on and the opportunity may not always be there. And if you meet a man that hasn’t been outside of 30 miles from where he was raised and isn’t interested in seeing any place else....Lose his number.
ENJOY YOUR SOLITUDE!
Embrace it! Feel it! Appreciate it! You will not always have it when you want it. I know, I know, growing up as an only child you would think I'd be the first person to holler "party over here" or "the more the merrier". But in solitude comes peace. And with peace comes clarity. And with clarity comes confidence and sound decisions. So start rituals now that will allow you to maintain some portion of this as you grow older. BELIEVE ME, solitude is important to your growth.
DON’T BE AFRAID TO SLIM DOWN THAT FRIENDS LIST.
You need true ACE BOON COONS in your mix. Some that can stand the test of time and have your back when you need them and vice versa. The ones you keep may not have all their sh*t together in other peoples eyes. But that’s alright as long as they are true and down for you. Because true friends do things from their HEART, others have ulterior motives and it will show. You will find that having a close circle of friends you can depend on is better than 50 uncertain tricks. Accept that your trials in this life will purify your friends list and remove the contaminants. Think of those trials as life’s can of RAID and watch those roaches and flies DIE. And let them die!! Stop trying to resuscitate!
PICK THAT JOURNAL BACK UP!
I say this for two reasons. It will keep you focused on your true creative purpose. Yes YOU!!! Don’t look behind you, I'm talking to you! I know you got that job behind a desk and rubbing elbows with building owners and you are in school finishing your accounting degree (FINALLY!). But did you ever stop to think what took you so long to go back and decide on that as a major? You dibbled and dabbled with about three majors and decided to go towards the one that came easiest so you could graduate. YES, you took the easy route and didn’t follow your passion. That’s right I said it. You didn’t! But I'm telling you its ok. Get the degree, its good to have to fall back on. But go back and take the classes that you REALLY want to take when you are done. TAKE THE WRITING CLASSES! Even if they are just continuing ed or through various workshops. It’s what’s in your soul! Sure you stood up on the poetry reading night at Uptown and got heckled by a comedian, (YES DOO DOO BROWN WAS ALL ON ME! POEM WAS CALLED "KILLING A BOOTY CALL"). But you let the embarrassment you felt put those poems and stories in a drawer. And you didn’t SEE the big picture. Think about it....the piece was HEE-LARIOUS. The crowd loved the banter and your comebacks AND your sassiness. DOO DOO even told you he enjoyed it. But NOOOOOO....You ran home with your heart beating fast and told yourself you could never be as good as the other poets that night. But the truth was, you weren’t meant to be like them. You were meant to be different and special in your own way! You weren’t meant to be some deep, smelling like incense with a nose ring, Ankh necklace and barefoot serious poet or writer. You are a woman born from a family of nuts, a fool, a clown, and potty mouthed LADY that can find the comedy in anything! So why the HELL did you think that by throwing that book in a drawer, would be enough to stop your soul from doing what it is destined to do. So do ME a damn favor and pick up that Amethyst colored journal and get to getting!
Secondly that journal is doubly necessary because it will allow you to keep the THICKENESS in check. Let those feelings and demons pour out on paper instead of in your gut and your butt!! Stress is a MOFO and on a black woman stress manifests in that belly and your behind. (Even though the booty is still popping like they like it, but we need to keep that thang in check! Cellulite is not your friend!) Embrace and keep that 14/16! Your head is too damn big to be any skinnier! Remember these words.... STAR JONES.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE!
Just because you are headed to a wedding or baby shower damn near every weekend, does not mean being single is the plague or like a scarlet letter on your forehead. Take your time and ENJOY the bonus of being the sole decider about your life. Do you while you can! Focus on your visions and goals for your life and stop worrying about if every dude you meet or go out with is the one!! Date! Enjoy! Have Fun! Don’t worry about if he’s going to call! Tell that ninja when he drops you off, "if you don’t call, it’s your loss".... and shut the door!! HA! He will love your sass and confidence. Stop trying to hide it and thinking you're going to run the right one off. Heck if anything, it will help you run off some of the WRONG ones. (DO NOT GO OUT WITH THE SMOKER FROM THE BAR!! Yeah he’s cute, tall and sexy....but HE NEEDS MEDS AND A STRAIGHT JACKET! RUN!!!..."You’re breaking up with moi?")
STAY TRUE TO YOU.
Stop letting your need to be accepted and loved by people override the fact that they may need to be cussed out sometimes. See there’s this whole father daughter dynamic thing that you are missing because you were raised without your father. So you especially are going to try to MAKE relationships work..... Child please! Don’t make yourself crazy. And don’t suppress who you ARE!! You are the SHIZNIT!! It don’t get no better! You are the honey and they be the bee!! Your sanity matters MORE. So what if you hurt a few feelings. They will get over it and be better for the truth that you gave them.
And last but not least.....
I saved this for last because I didn’t want to scare you off. But here goes...
EMBRACE YOUR SEXUALITY
No I aint gay and even if I was, that judgment would be between me and the lawd! But as a member of this race and gender we are stuck in an awkward and complex spot. You are judged by the clothes you wear, who, how many times and when you have sex. So listen to your older wiser self and listen close. ENJOY IT! Now I'm not saying start rolling up on random dudes and passing it out by the pound. That would definitely make you a HOE! (And you best be getting a check for something like that) Besides you are too much of a classy diva for that! But don’t let the southern upbringing and Baptist roots in you constrain you to a point that you forget that it’s not only about HIS satisfaction and making babies. That’s some good, stress relieving, natural high, lip smacking “thang thang” that you should experience. When you are in a relationship don’t accept and stay with a man that cannot see past his own selfishness when it comes to sex. Only work with those that are interested in being open to BOTH of you having a fulfilling experience. TALK ABOUT IT, BEFORE YOU BE ABOUT IT! Lay your likes and dislikes on the table and be HONEST. And don’t accept less just because you want to have someone or anybody to call your own! If he is a HUMP and NUTTER and leaves you balancing your checkbook when you are done, pack him up and send him home. Don’t feel bad for him. That tells you he didn’t LISTEN and/or didn’t care about your needs or the experience that you BOTH would have. Now hold up, chicky.…The same goes for you. You can’t be a bump on a log and get served like the Queen of Sheba! You get in it and WORK too! That’s like two single people taking a trip together. If one person pays for everything, what obligation does the other person have to enjoy themselves? They haven’t put a dime in so they can whine the whole time. But if you BOTH pay for the trip, you are going to make damn well sure you get all $499 and airfare out that thang! Get it? So read you some books, watch some stuff....(I didn’t say it), learn some things. Not just to impress others but to make the investment in your OWN enjoyment. (BEN WA BALLS...ya heard me)
Now I said all that to say, be good to the most important person in your life right now. That is you…because you deserve it. And you deserve the happiness and fulfillment that comes along with it. Don’t think focusing on your self is a bad thing. Its ok to be a little selfish when it comes to taking care of yourself and enjoying life. I promise it will help you to be able to be a better nurturer and selfless human being that is needed when that time comes in your life to be a great wife and mother. (yes it will come…SURPRISE!)
You are a force to be reckoned with, just try to hold on to that fact and not forget it.
Love,
Me
